You Hurt Me, I Hurt You
by triggerstorm
Summary: 25 year old Arthur and 20 year old Alfred deal with the repercussions of a big mistake and misunderstandings. Small warning for for language, violence, and a bit of blood.


Author Note:

This is my first ever published writing. Please be gentle with me. ^^; I got a little... well, really tired while writing this so I don't think my mind was working full capacity by the end of it. Which is why its kind of an abrupt ending. But the concept is to make a simple ending that can make a fresh start in the second chapter. :) I may even make a prequel if it seems appropriate. Some things are a little unanswered at this point, but the second chapter should deal with any or most of those loose ends that might be bugging you. :P Thanks for reading!

* * *

"Al."

"I thought I asked you not to call me that," Alfred rifled through some of the clothes laid out over the bed. He picked out a few collared shirts and packed them into his suitcase with a bored, irritable look on his face. "I'm not a kid anymore."

Arthur sighed and frowned dejectedly, looking back toward the door. "Clearly not.." He spoke in a quiet somber whisper, not quite intending to be overheard.

"What was it you wanted again?" Alfred still refused to actually grace him with eye contact and continued to fiddle with the laundry. Alfred was such a personable young man, when he wouldn't even look at you, you knew he was beyond pissed... Arthur momentarily considered just leaving now to hole up in his room without another word to avoid this awkward and depressing situation.

"I wanted to apologize," He spoke quietly, never minding that Alfred refused to look up at him. His shame was flush on his face and he'd just as soon not bear the fiery pain in his beloved's eyes. He knew he could never be forgiven, but that didn't stop him from trying to fix it. As his own words stung in his ears by how entirely useless they were at this point, a painful ache rose to his heart. Wishing that, at the same time as he hoped to never see the hatred that surely sat there, he would see Alfred's beautiful blue eyes before he lost his chance forever.

"Apologize.." Alfred's red-hot anger was evident as he growled the word quietly from across the room. Arthur saw his body stiffen and shake in his rage. He was leant over the bed now, hands on a few stray pieces of clothing and he could tell that he was gripping them so hard that his knuckles were turning white. "You want to apologize?!" He turned on his heels and hurled a handful of shirts toward Arthur's face. He didn't flinch and one actually stuck to where he couldn't see past if he'd wanted to. "You expect me to just say it's okay? You want me to forgive you just like that?" His voice was piercing in the stagnant air of the room and it burned through Arthur's heart like acid. His head drooped under the shirt, flinching from the verbal onslaught. "I don't know if you noticed, but this isn't exactly a fucking accident."

Arthur choked on the lump in his throat as he tried to speak. He took a deep breath and tried to hold back his emotions as best he could, all the while hiding under that shirt, ridiculous as it should have looked. It was better than seeing the way Alfred must have been glaring at him. "I never meant to hurt you, Alfred."

"No fucking shit. Of course you didn't. Because if you knew that I was going to find out, you wouldn't have fucking done it, would you? "The words stung Arthur so severely that the tears he was holding back began to fall. "I get it. I do. Why not have the best of both worlds if you can, right? I can't blame you for that, but I'm not going to just fucking stand here and play housewife while you go out and fuck anyone that happens to cross your path." Arthur heard Alfred's voice crack as he finished speaking. Beyond the shame and hurt that Arthur was enduring, he couldn't stand to hide any longer. He slowly reached up and pulled the shirt from his face and looked up hesitantly to regard Alfred's face for the first time since he entered the room.

To his surprise and remorse, he saw not a single glint of anger, but only pain and tears in Alfred's blood-shot eyes. He'd have preferred the anger.. The guilt from beholding the hurt of his only love on this level was far worse punishment than his wrath. He'd never seen anything more pitiful than the desperate, defeated, and broken way that Alfred was looking at him. His body was slack, tears staining his cheeks as he cradled his arms together against his chest and held a hand up to his mouth. It was at this moment that Arthur's resolve to this situation completely dissolved and he felt more helpless than he ever had before. "..Alfred.."

"I loved you more than anything..." Alfred whispered against his hand and his voice let out once again to a slight whimper. "I gave you everything I thought you wanted. I thought you loved me just as much, the way you let me into your life and would hold me. And here I was, hoping that now that things are clearing up in society, that we might move together to somewhere we could get married. If you'd have asked me.." He sat down on the bed gently, pressing his face into his hands and letting out a loud sob.

Arthur stood completely astounded as he stared at the poor man that was bearing his damaged soul to him. He felt so disgusted with himself at this whole situation that he couldn't even form any proper expression of remorse to this news.

"You.. wanted to be married..?" Was all Arthur could manage to say to break the silence between Alfred's sobs. "Alfred, I didn't know."

"What does it even matter?" Alfred snapped, looking up and glaring daggers at the man standing against the door. "You obviously didn't. In all these years, you would barely even look at me, let alone touch me if I wasn't upset about something. It's more than obvious to me now that all I was to you was someone to keep around the house so you wouldn't feel alone."

Alfred moved to get up but was stopped when Arthur rushed across the room, fell to his knees in front of the younger man and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. Alfred lashed out immediately and clawed at Arthur's arms to try and pry them off.

"What the fuck are you doing?! Don't fucking touch me!" Arthur winced as his arms began to bleed lightly from the nails digging into his flesh, but he held fast as his tears ran down against Alfred's shirt.

"Alfred, I am so sorry," He spoke loudly so that Alfred could hear over his struggling. "I was so wrong, I didn't even know how horribly wrong I was. I realize that what I did was unforgivable, but please listen to what I have to say. I understand.. And this is all my fault, love.." Alfred's twisting and fighting lightened a bit, but he refused to stop trying to push him away. Tears streamed down his face as Arthur stared across the room while resting his cheek on the younger man's chest. "Please hear me out. I won't stop you from leaving, but please try to understand why I did what I did.."

Alfred's body shook with rage as he dug his nails as deeply into Arthur's arms as he could, trying to get him to let go. Arthur knew this was his last chance and no amount of pain could keep him from making Alfred listen to his final words. "Nothing you could possibly say would make me understand this and I don't fucking want to understand!"

"I do not mean to excuse myself from anything I have done. This is all my fault and I accept that. What I cannot accept is letting you walk out of here thinking that I never loved you the way you loved me.." Alfred's grip loosened slightly and his body trembled as he let out a rough breath. "Please... will you listen to me..?"

Alfred closed his eyes and moved his head to the side so as to be facing the far wall as Arthur looked up at him pleadingly. He didn't want to be swayed into being anything but upset by seeing that ridiculous pair of eyebrows that were so endearing to him. His heart fluttered in his chest and mixed with the absolute pain he felt tearing through his whole body at completely releasing everything he ever held dear to him. His angry expression turned soft and sorrowful as he took a few long breaths. Fresh tears made their way down his face and he removed his hands from the bloody mess he'd made on Arthur's arms. He immediately regretted how rough he'd been when he felt exactly how much blood he'd drawn on the only person who ever held his heart.

He glanced down to see the red streaks staining his hands and Arthur's arms and instantaneously choked out a sob. He couldn't bring himself to apologize for this while he was still so lost in his emotions so he simply nodded when Arthur whispered out another 'please'.

Arthur tentatively loosened his grip on Alfred's waist and instead tried to find and hold his hands in his. Alfred flinched away and voiced concern over the blood all over his hands.

"It's my blood, love.. and I deserve every bit of it. It's little compensation for the pain I've caused you." Alfred turned and looked into Arthur's eyes. He could see the sincerity in them, and seeing those goofy eyebrows he couldn't bring himself to argue or fight anymore. He just closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the pressure in his chest. This was the end. He'll hear his love's one last grasp for forgiveness and then he would leave. He would never have to look into his eyes and feel that familiar ache ever again.

"Alfred.. I truly never intended for this to happen. And while that doesn't excuse the terrible mistake I've made, you must believe that there has never been a moment that I have not loved you dearly. Please don't look at me that way.. I may not have shown it properly, but you must believe me in this final moment, that my love for you is and has never been a cheap love. My heart has only ever beat for you, my love.." Arthur massaged Alfred's slick hand as he spoke. Alfred let out a long sigh and hung his head. "I can't expect that you would ever forgive me. Especially now knowing how I'd left you feeling from the start. I made you feel like I did not desire you. For so many years I did this and was not even aware, past my own desire to keep distant.."

Alfred ripped his hands from Arthur's and turned his head away in hurt and rage. Arthur stopped for a moment and just looked up at this lost cause. At least he was not moving to get away entirely and still seemed willing to listen. Arthur slowly stood and wiped the tears from his face before he spoke again.

"..Do you remember when we first met?" Arthur smiled solemnly to himself while looking at the ground in front of him. "It was five years ago. You were still just a child, more or less." He chuckled soullessly. "You really have grown.. But you're still that same boy I met back then. Still crying." Arthur heard Alfred let out an offended huff, which only made him smile more to himself. "I'll never forget that day.. I have never have. Not for one moment. I never thought I would be the one to put those same devastated tears back into your eyes.." Arthur's knees got weak at the intensity of the realization. He let himself fall to his knees and began to sob. "You were so broken that day.. From that moment I vowed to myself to always protect you. From that moment, I loved you like family. You know the rest.. You continued to visit me often, and you made me smile so. And those days that broke you, I would hold you for hours, and while my heart ached for you, I couldn't be happier.. When you were finally old enough to go out on your own, I brought you here...two years ago. Alfred, I am so sorry.. If only I'd realized how I was hurting you!"

Arthur heaved from the intensity of his dry sobs as he let out an angry cry and pounded his fist into the now bloodied carpet. "I thought I was protecting you all this time. I didn't want to make you relive any of those horrible moments from your past. Much less by my hand. How I desired you.. but I could not let myself fall to temptation and risk hurting you so... That is no excuse for what I've done but I just couldn't handle being around you and thinking that if I let myself slip, how badly I could harm you.. So... Oh, Alfred, it was two years of this torment.. you have to understand that I am weak! I loved you so much and wanted you so desperately, I feared I could no longer control myself, so I tried to satiate myself otherwise... " Arthur heard Alfred shuffling around a bit and could have sworn that he heard him mutter his name so quietly.. like a hush inside his own heart. As a hand reached out and touched his shoulder, his body almost gave out on him completely and the tears he thoughts were long since dried out began to flow once again.

"Arthur... you are not my father..." Alfred wiped his hands quickly on his jeans to rid them of the remaining streaks of blood and reached up gently to guide Arthur's face up to look at him. "You just said it yourself. You comforted me whenever he would harm me. You held me, and you shared your safety with me... And you even brought me to live with you as soon as I was old enough to leave so that I could get away from it." Alfred sighed and looked away abashedly for a moment. "I thought that this invitation to live with you was welcome to a real relationship... something I'd wanted since I met you. But as you know, I needed to grow up a little first." Arthur closed his eyes and exhaled heavily, burying his soaked face into Alfred's palm. "I went on assumption all these years... heh.. well, I wasn't wrong was I? But neither of use ever communicated about it. Arthur, I never once expected you to hurt me... I would never think that you would abuse me the way that he did. I would never have to relive that if it was with you, dumbass..." Alfred wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck tightly and held him close. "I've always wanted to replace the memories... with new ones with you."

Arthur couldn't bring himself to move from his embrace. He simply sat, eyes wide and aching, contemplating what was just said to him. Alfred wanted him just as badly all this time? Regret and guilt flashed over him in a wave of nauseating heat and he quickly straightened himself where he could wrap his arms tightly around Alfred's small body and pull him as close as possible. "I'm so sorry, Alfred. I love you so much, you'll never know.. God, I'm so sorry."

Arthur felt Alfred shake his head against him. "No.. I think I have an idea... You did everything for me, after all.. and I mistook that for neglect. We've both made a really shitty mistake..." Alfred pulled away from Arthur and took him by the shoulders to straighten him up and make him look him in the eye. "I almost threw you away, Artie.. And it was as much my fault as yours. I'm sorry. To think you slept with someone else... and never me... I hope you can understand why that would upset me so much. But I understand now, too. Because I know you, Artie. You wouldn't lie to me. I know you're telling me the truth, as well as I see it in your eyes. You took care of me from the beginning. And I asked for too much without ever even voicing it.. that was my mistake." Alfred leaned in slowly and caught Arthur's lips in a gentle loving kiss. "I am so sorry... please forgive me." He whispered after pulling away slightly, resting his forehead against the older man's. Arthur's heart raced as he struggled for words past his swirling emotions.

"Forever and always, love.. but I can not forgive myself..." Arthur moved his head away in shame.

"Then don't." Alfred said abruptly. Arthur looked up at his stern face in terror. "Don't forget. Because if you ever sleep with someone else while I'm with you again... I won't be staying." Arthur gaped at his serious look for a moment before speaking.

"Do you mean.. to say that you aren't leaving me?" Alfred smirked a little through his tired and worn face.

"No, I'm kissing you goodbye." He said sarcastically and pulled Arthur into another gentle kiss.


End file.
